Today’s economy is truly global, and so is the threat of viral postvivo cannibalism, or “zombie-ism.” In order to compete in a fast-paced global environment, your business must be adaptable, efficient, and safe from the onslaught of the ravenous undead hordes who seek to reduce profitability. History has shown that the businesses that succeed are the ones with living human employees who are not being torn apart while at work.
Here are some little tips (or tiplets) that will help you alter your current bad business methods to adopt newer and superior methods.
Have a lot of lumber, nails, hammers and expendable people around the office that no one really gets invested in. Just in case the worst happens, you might need to throw a few tasty meals to the walkers so you have time to board those windows up.
People named things like ‘Bryce’ and ‘Dakota’ are good for this sort of thing.
Solar power and wind turbines are your friends. Send Bryce or Dakota to the roof to set up some solar panels and wind turbines. Your clients will appreciate it when, after power is gone and life becomes a never-ending torment in an earthly hell, you are still able to package deliverables on time.
Remember the three Ds: deliverables, deliverables, do get solar and wind power.
Acclimating to seeing meat
The hardest part to get used to about zombies overrunning the world is how much meat there is everywhere. You see a lot of meat (from the inside of animals and even people). To keep your team on the ball, regularly surprise people by throwing meat at them so they’re ready for the worst. Get used to it, Frank from Customer Service!
Is your OS secure?
Windows Vista is still the only zombie-proof OS. Apple OSX, Windows 7 or 8, Linux, Chrome OS, and Yahoo Donkey Box are all vulnerable to the onslaught of scads of brain-dead revenants. Zombies don’t just love biting into human flesh and gorging on the soft innards of Bradford Dunkle, head of HR, they also love finding backdoors and security vulnerabilities in contemporary operating systems to install keyloggers and cause mischief with your email account.
Secure those windows
Windows are an effective way to see outside of things that you are inside of, or to see inside things that you are outside of. But Martha Stewart has warned in her “Prophecies of Shaldara: Volume 4” that windows are vulnerable to committed zombies. Why not replace your windows with something else?
Some options might be:
- a frame that constantly drips gasoline that is always on fire. Zombies are very socially anxious, and would be embarrassed to be set on fire. They wouldn’t want their friends to see them.
- a second, smaller office building. A tiny office building might fit inside a large window frame, and you can start another, tiny company in that building. You can probably cram a whole person in one of those buildings! Extra work! *bonus – tiny companies don’t legally have to pay workers, nor feed them, nor let them leave!
Keep morale high
Morale might drop as numbers dwindle. A good way to keep people optimistic is to have them do a group project. Constructing a barricade is fun and also a great trust-building exercise. Foraging for materials outside of the office while your friends watch your back, poised with rifles on the rooftop, develops a bond that is not easily broken—except by falling in love with the wife of the guy whose back you’re watching. Then everyone will be thinking, “Will he let that guy die so he can get with that guy’s wife?” The answer is usually no. Just have a little faith. We’re all in this together.
How to deal with letting an employee go
If you have to “fire someone” make sure you do it from behind when they don’t expect it. And do it quietly. Zombies, as well as auditors, are attracted by loud sounds. You wouldn’t want that roving herd of Walkers to show up and start banging at your door, demanding unpaid internships and then getting mad when they realize that there are unpaid internships. You also don’t want Johnny Tax Collector coming around and wasting your time with a pointless audit only to find out you pay your taxes. Get out of here, Tax Man!
Crucial: pay your taxes. Even if society has collapsed, a patchwork of feudal states has arisen, and roving bands of pygmy raiders stalk the living and the dead, the revenue agency of your respective country is run by androids that are immune to the zombie pathogen. They will come, every so often, and ask in their mechanical monotone, “We’d like to look at your balance sheets, and eat some of your batteries. We hunger.” Just let them in. Whatever. You can’t do anything about it. They’re androids, and you’re not.
About the author: David Dineen-Porter is an actor, comedian and musician from Toronto. He also writes. Follow David on Twitter for some laughs.